Going into this weekend was very interesting for me.  I'm a very confused person.  I still haven't quite figured out what I want in my life and I'm struggling with how to be the person I want to be.  I love my God and I learned a few things about myself and about my God in just the past few weeks.  As many of you know, I plan to go into the Air Force after I graduate college and my plan to get there is to participate in ROTC.  Just two weeks ago Field Training Preparation began and it began roughly. 

I have always known my struggles, but usually one doesn't just sit down and ponder, "hey how much to I suck at living life?"  Well, Field Training Prep (boot camp prep) forces one to think this.  People are constantly yelling at you and you are constantly failing at everything you do.  You don't ever succeed in anything because they go out of their way to make sure that you fail and when you fail, they scream at you and ask you why you're so dumb.  It's very painful, at least for me.  People respond to this sort of treatment in many different ways and my whole life I have responded extremely negatively to this sort of treatment.  
     I get down on myself and I lose confidence in myself.  I don't believe I'm worthy because I care to much what other people think of me (please pray for me).  I've played soccer all of my life and they have always told me how much I suck at soccer, but for some reason I still haven't given up and to be perfectly honest I don't know why.  I hate soccer and I love soccer all at the same time.  I love it because it is fun, but I hate it because it is not fun.  It's a very strange feeling. 
    Last command period I did amazingly well.  I constantly had people telling me how well I was doing in ROTC, not just my peers, but my commanding official officers in the Air Force that are their to train us.  The more praise I got, the more confident I got and the better I got; always improving.  This command period has been very different though.  The yelling and demeaning attitude of the "game" has been really tough on me.  I've always responded negatively to this type of treatment and it has been a real big struggle. 
    On Friday night, I stayed up till three in the morning talking to my Dad.  Sometimes, we need to talk things out to really figure ourselves out.  Though I've always known I've never responded well to this, I've never thought about fixing it.  I always just hoped that someone else would fix it for me.  Now I realize though, that only I can fix this. 

Recently, I also realized something that has been a pattern  in my life; God's plan for my life.  It's really interesting and I'm not the only one who has noticed it.  The beginning of school for me just starting in Kindergarden was really tough for me.  I didn't pass Kindergarden my first go around, so I was held back.  From first grade all the way to sixth grade I was terrible at school.  The funny thing is, it wasen't because I didn't have the brain, it was because I didn't care.  School was not important to me.  I was a lier to my teachers on a consistant basis and my parents.  I didn't do homework assignments and then I would lie to my parents about doing them.  It was the same with my teachers.  
   Something that really changed my life though, happend in fourth grade.  In fourth grade every friday we had to take spelling tests and I did absolutly terrible on every single one.  One day, my teacher pulled me aside as I was about to go out to recess along with a few other students and she talked to each on of us with convicting eyes, "All of you have not been trying and your efforts are unexcusable.  I know that each and everyone of you is capabale of getting 100% every single week on these tests and I expect that from you.  I hope that you think about this."  This little speech got to me in a way that still affects me today.  She believed in me.  And that made me believe in myself.  That entire rest of the year I got a 100% on every single spelling test.  
    Sadly I didn't carry that advice with me into every aspect of my life, but it had an effect non-the-less.  My sixth grade year was much the same story of most of my elementary days, I would purposly fail math tests to get out of having to think for myself (if you didn't pass a test you got sent into a study session with an assistent teacher would do the work for you; not on purpose, the three of us were just really good at playing stupid).  Sometime during my sixth grade year, I was helping my Mom in the kitchen at our house and out of no where she brought up me possibly skipping a grade so that I could graduate with all the people I played soccer with.  It was a completely random thought and literally with my grades, damn-near impossible.  I didn't think much of it, but every once in a while, my Mom and even Dad would bring the thought of it up in my head until finally I cracked and asked what it would mean and how I could possibly do it.  Eventually, I got really excited about the idea of skipping a grade and I was all for it!  I worked my butt off all summer long doing every single class in 7th grade in a summer.  So technically I didn't skip a grade!  I did it in two months with the help of a tutor checking in a helping me with questions two or three times a week. 
     After I jumped to 8th grade, my grades improved from straight C's to A's and B's.  It was absolutly crazy.  After my first year in High School, I randomly decided to run for class office and became secratary of my class.  The lowest position in office, but a position on the side of school and soccer non-the-less.  I never would have guessed that this position could have set me up for my senior year in high school. 
    The end of my Junior year in High School they were handing out packets for office and trust me, that was the last thing on my mind, well, except for this tiny voice in the back of my head that was really telling me to think about it.  Over the next few weeks the thought of running for office wouldn't leave me.  It was on my mind and it just wouldn't stop pestering me.  Two days before the packets were due, I grabbed one filled it out got all of the appropriate recomendations, signatures (everything worked out absolutly perfectly) and I turned it in at the last possible moment.  My opponent, one of the brightest, smartest, nicest girl in my class.  We gave our speeches and people clapped for my opponents speech, but people screamed and shouted after mine and I won by and absolute landslide. 
     My senior year I learned a lot and I really stepped up to the plate.  After it was all through with, I couldn't deny that it had beens God plan all along to have me learn everything that I did that year.  It wasn't me that wanted to run for that position, but God who was moving me.  

    Straight into my Freshmen year of college, I imediately made friends that I will have all of my life.  I learned a lot, but it was a very difficult year.  My new sister (best friend forever!) tore her ACL again and her year was ruined by the thought of never playing soccer again.  After the year was over, she left back to Arizona.  We are still the most best of friends.  Something though that happend at the beginning of my Freshmen year, I was walking into the cafeteria and on the way in I was stopped by a booth that was advertising Study Abroad.  I immediately decided where I wanted to go right then and there, Agentina.  To be perfectly honest again, I have no idea why I wanted to go to Argentina, only that I knew that is exactly where I need and wanted to be above absolutly anything at the time.  I begged my parents to let me go, even my grandmother (and if you knew my grandmother you would understand what "even" means).  They came through for me.  
    Something important to note that also happend my freshman year is that I went in planning to be a Political Science  Major and came out conviced that I wanted to be a Christian Theology Major.  This is because I took a Political Science class my first quarter of college and it was so hard and I just wasn't expecting the intensity.  I was so scared that I was convinced that the major wasn't for me so I changed my mind.  Now though, I realize that I cannot let fear hold me back.  I'm am now a Political Science Major and a Christian Theology Minor.  

   Argentina was absoluty amazing.  I made even more friends and I grew so much closer to God.  I read the entire New Testament while I was there and I stopped caring about body image.  I was an increably vain person when I left and I turned into someone that had a heart for God and not for the fantacy of men.  It was so refreshing and it really showed me that God is the most important in all of the world.  While I was there God 'grew me up.'  He furthered the process of developing me to be what he wanted for me.  

   Two months before I left for Argentina, I absolutly randomly decided that I wanted to be in the military and I didn't care which branch, I just knew that I needed and wanted to be in the military.  I broke it to my parents and they were very surprised, but on another hand, they had always known that one day it would be coming.  My fantacies of Alex Rider mixed with my care for people...really when you put pieces together, it's not hard to imagine.  At the same time, it was completely random, I had not been thinking of it at all and then one night, I knew that's what I wanted to do.  I told my parents and three days later I found myself at the University of Washington filling out papers beginning the process of joining ROTC.  When I returned from Argentina, two days later I was at the University of Washington finishing my papers.  

From that time on I was really excited to start ROTC; I had no idea what to expect, I didn't know at all what I was getting my self into.  It is also important to note that mentally I had given up soccer.  

    Soccer was not going good for me at all that first month of the season in August.  I was being benched and I was being yelled at.  My coach would tell me how much I sucked and never told me what to work on and I started to get a little depressed, but most of all, defeated.  I cried every night when I went on a walk at midnight.  I didn't want to believe my coach, but I didn't know how not to.  With immense praying, advice from my Parents, and praise to God for giving me what I have, I pulled through and I told my coach like it is.  I let him know that he was being a jerk and that he needed to fix it.  It was unacceptable and I'm his player and it is his job to tell me what to work on, not tell me how much I fail giving me no advice how to fix it.  He took it hard, but he didn't just change with me.  He changed with the whole team.  I was not the only one on the team that got yelled at, he did it to many other players too.  The only difference now was now he knew exactly what he was doing and how it was affecting his players because I told him his behavior was unacceptable and it didn't help us grow as players and especially me personally.  

From that point on, I changed, something important also to note is that before all of this happend, I went on a run one midnight around the school track.  I had a mental block of not thinking I was good enough at anything, but that night I ran and I ran and I ran and I praised God because I could.  He is so good to me.  

Now we are back to now and my current struggles.  God has a plan in my life.  I'm not sure what it is, but he has been working in my life from a very young age, preparing me for what I do not know.  He is preparing me, I know this.  I am excited and this realization has given me hope.  I can do this, I can make it through Field Training.  I will make it.  I won't just make it.  I will succeed.  They can tell me how much I fail, but they cannot take my God and my hope from me.  He is my hope and he is the reason I succeed and I am so excited for what he has planned for me.  I have a lot more to talk about but I think this is good for now.  Have a good night.  

Thank you for Listening!

Your Friend,

Dobby

Happy Birthday Jess!!! I just wanted to say a BIG Happy Birthday to my most wonderful Sister ever!! I love you Jess!!! (elle_blessing )

1.  Your Name:  Mallorie

Someone who is book smart, but still a dumbass.

Only a Mallorie could get an A+ on a math test and still walk into a door.

Sadly I did this yesterday...

2.  Nickname:  Dobby

The sock-loving house elf with insanely big ears and a Pinocchio-like nose.

Dobby: Master has given Dobby a SOCK!!! Dobby is FREEEEE!!

Harry: ... O_____o

I LoVeS you Jessica!!!  *Creeperstare*


3. Single/Married/Divorced:  Single

S: stay
I:  intoxicated
N:  nightly
G: get
L: laid
E: everyday

Two words...I wish :-)  I have to many morals to do things like this...but they sound fun enough :P

4.  One of your friends names:  Christa

To pull a Christa is to do something stupid and still look great while you are doing it.

I fell down the stairs but my penis fell out and everyone was impressed.

She really is exactly like this...and she jokes about having a penis even..wow..

5. What should you be doing right now?  Math

Torture.  One of Lucifer's many ways of making us suffer.  Reasonable cause for suicide. 

Nobody with any sense likes math. 

If you like math...you are no longer my friend..Demons the lot of you!
6.  Favorite Food/Place to eat:  Chipotle

A heavenly food experience involving burritos, tacos, quesadillas, burrito bowls, etc... Can ease stress of bad days, and also cause extreme indigestion. But that is alright. Because Chipotle, you are worth it. Student ID = free drink.

If I had to choose between you and Chipotle, I would choose Chipotle.

Mmm, delicious.  This place literally is heaven on earth.  

7.  Home Town: Puyallup

Grunge, sex, and emo kids. The ultimate Seattle Suburban hick town. Forty-five minutes from Mt. Rainier and twenty-eight straight days of rain. This small town is greatly known for it's founder Ezra Meeker and for having the biggest hick fest in the Northwest, The Puyallup Fair.

Innocent Child: "Daddy what is the Puyallup?"
Father: "I don't know Billy, just 'do it.'"

Um..yeah, that sums up Puyallup so week it's scary. 

8.  Word to best describe yourself:  Nuts

1. Crazy
2. Testicles
3. Things which monkeys eat.

That monkey is nuts. I've given it some nuts, and it's rubbing them on its nuts

Love me for who I am guys hee hee!

9.  Where did you go today:  Dorm Room
   a deluxe prison cell used for getting ass
Let's go back to the dorm and get some ass

Um..thats not really what I use it for..but sure...

 

So, I have this friend and they keep asking me really really hard questions.  I've never thought of these questions before and it makes my mind all confused, mixing one thought with the next and on and on it goes until I don't even know where to begin because I'm so lost.  All said questions have to do with religion a.k.a. Christianity in my case.  My friend, he isn't a Christian, but he wants to understand...I think.  I kind of get more of the impression that they are somewhat humoring me, but listening to the message non-the-less.  I've been taking this friend to church for some weeks now and he always just has more questions and I keep having no answers. 

My sister met this friend and said we should come up with some questions to ask the pastor of the Church since I'm having trouble answering them.  They are really good questions and sometimes when I can't answer them I feel so naive about what I believe in, but I know God is real because I do have a personal relationship with Him.  I've never had to understand everything He does and why He does everything,  I just have faith that He knows what He is doing and I keep trecking along trying to get to know Him more. 

Do I sound really Naiive?  I'm pretty sure I am, I should definatly know more about what I believe in.  I do know a lot, and my Theology major is certainly going to help, but it's just so weird that I know who God is, but certain questions seem so unclear.  I guess thats a big reason why Philosophy is around today, because things arn't always clear, but its so frustrating when someone just keeps asking these tough questions that I can't answer. 

I did bring it up once about going to talk to the pastor with my friends questions, but he said, "I'm going to feel stupid because he's going to know so much and I can't rebutle"  I don't understand why there has to be a rebutle.   I'm just really confused, I know what I believe and I stand firm in what I believe because I do know God on a personal level and I can tell you that He IS real.  It's not my job to convince others that He is real though, maybe sometimes thats just the tough part.  I know only God can do that and not me or anyone else, I guess all I can hope is that God reaches his heart...  But then, what about these questions...they don't make me question what I believe, just make me want to know more about God.  Maybe this is just one of those times when God calls you to dig into His word.  I dunno...

One last thing, said friend also kissed me on the cheek...he would, I'm certain kiss me on the lips if he got the chance...but I don't know how I feel about it.  I like him on one hand, but I really enjoy being single too and then add in the fact that I don't think he is a Christian...I don't know...I think I'll just wait this one out. 

My roommate is driving me nutters.  She is depressed..she is mean...and she is selfish...  Oh, she has her good qualities too, she just hasn't been showing those for a while.  All she does recently is mope around, and to be perfectly honest, it's understandable.  She has been through a lot in the last two years.  At only 18 years of age, she has had two intense knee surgeries caused from soccer. 

At the present time, she is recovering from her latest knee surgery, but at the beginning when she started recovering she was retarted and may have hurt herself all over again.  I think the possibilities of this are not high, even according to her doctors.  I can see that she is scared and frustrated.  She had a passion for soccer and her body just wouldn't let her compete.  The only frustrating part about all of this unfortunate-ness is the fact that she is moody and pissy.  I try to lighten the mood or help her in any way, having absolutely nothing to do with her injury and she bites my head off just because she feels like it.  I'm putting up with it, and I was doing an even better job of it earlier on, but now its becoming even more hard. 

Take now for example, she is on the phone with her parents and she thinks she knows everything.  She tells them they are full of crap, and that they have no idea what they are talking about.  Honestly, your parents are trying to help you, take their damn advice!  But does she??? No, She shoves it in their face, yells at them, tells them she knows it all, argues things that don't make logical sense then complains to me afterwards looking for simpathy and I can't give it to her.  She digs herself a hole!  Not only does she do that, but she does the same thing to me.  It's frustrating and annoying and I'm getting sick of her woes me stage.  I feel like I'm living with a living breathing 15 year-old spoiled brat.  GROW UP! 

On to the selfish part...she is leaving next year and I'm looking for a roommate, but I've decided that I want to try and live with a soccer girl next year and my only possible selections for a roommate are with an incoming freshman.  The problem with this though, she hasn't told our coach that she is leaving yet.  She plans on telling him within the next two weeks, but this only gives me about 3 maybe 4 weeks to find a roommate.  I've been looking, but I don't know a lot of people that I'd like to live with...It's a big decision and I know one of the freshmen and they seem pretty cool. 

Anyways, I'm just frustrated because she is being really mean and I don't like her right now.  I love her, she is like a sister to me, but at the moment, I can't bring it in myself to like her.  Ugh...  This whole issue is stupid!  I'm trying really hard to be patient and I'm not fighting back, I'm taking all the crap she gives me because this issue isn't worth losing a friend over.  She isn't one to apologize for anything she says or does..this is because back to the beginning point, she thinks she is always right, so in otherwords..she is never wrong and therefore can do no wrong...say this to her though...she'll bite your head off for telling the truth and won't forgive you for it because she isn't a very forgiving person.  AHhHH!! 

Ok...I'm done...like I said, I love her...she's just making my life difficult right now...maybe we are just to close...or not close enough?  I don't know, whatever.. 

So, I'm just going to call my last extremely detailed post "The Moment" because that is all I can think of it as being.  I'm not going to quit soccer, I love soccer.  I think I was just pushed with one to many negative comments and being a very personal girl...yeah, lets just call it a "The Moment"  and I'm sure there are more to where that came from. 

The good part about "The Moment" is I'm really thinking that maybe I'll try to go to law school.  It seems like so much work, but you know..it could be worth it.  There are so many things you can do with a law degree.  I'm still planning on majoring in Christian Theology with a minor in Spanish and Philosophy.  Looking at my outline for school, it's going to be tough graduating in four years.  But I can do it!  I know I can. 

For the past few weeks soccer has been going good.  I finally decided to take care of my low Iron deficiency, so I'm taking about 200 mg of Iron a day plus vitamin C and Alieve now to clear my head during the day caused from allergies of spring and then benadril at night to clear my head and put me to sleep from my allergies...arr!  I have a bit more energy now though and it's really starting to show on the soccer field and in my life in general.  I'm still sleeping way to much, but that should go away within the next few months...

The last two Sundays I've been to Church with the boy I liked a while back.  We're just getting to know each other and he is just getting to know Christianity.  I think it is really tough for him and thats completely understandable.  The good thing is, he really wants to understand, but he's got so many questions and I just don't know how to answer them all.  I try to find them out for him, its a slow process.  We usually go out to lunch after Church and discuss what we learned from the service and it's really interesting and it makes me think about what it is I just listened to.  Then we'll eventually get off topic and discuss politics.  I love politics :-)  I get frustrated though, cause I'm so competitive and you can't win with politics.  It's something that I'm learning, but that doesn't make it easy.  He's really cool, cause he pointed out to me the fact that when I get frustrated with something I completely shut everything out and want to change the subject.  I'm really glad he pointed that out to me cause now I can work on changing that.  It's not going to be easy though... 

LOL he tried to get me to kiss him on the cheek the other day and I completely shunned him :-)  I'm not ready for that and I don't even know if I want a relationship, I'd rather just keep things as friends and get to know each other more, that way if we ever do decided to take it the extra step then at least we have a foundational friendship and that is important. 

Tomorrow I'm going out with my friend Jonathan for dinner.  He's driving all the way up to Seattle to see me!  All my friends from home are so awesome.  My other guy friends picked me up one day and then drove me all the way back out to Seattle at 1 in the morning.  They really care about me and really love hanging with me, I just wish I was more like them.  They are so giving and I don't think I'm like that as much as they are.  I'm a lot more selfish with my time.  They just give and it's so sweet.  I really do appreciate it and I love each and every one of my friends.  One of my other friends, Jordan, from home was going to come up today cause he was driving by on his way back to school, but I had class and soccer so I he just kept on going.  It was a sweet gesture though because it's out of his way by about 20 minutes. 

Life has been good since my last post.  I'm trying to see everything with a positive out look on life.  I like being happy and it so much easier then being sad all the time.  Well, I hope you all are having a good start at Spring!  Love you all!!!!

Dobby

Arriving back in Washington from the gray mundane Seattle Airport I was very excited to be home.  It had only been a week in Arizona, but a week was enough.  I never realized how much I enjoy having my own car so I don't have to rely on someone else for transportation.  It really doesn't bother me, I don't need a car for transportation, a bus is good enough for me, but I wasn't exactly in any position to be going anywhere without my best friend. 

There is two things that I realized living with Christa in her native land for a week.  first, she is crazier than I originally thought, and second, I'm so glad we are friends.  She is such a good friend, very honest and trustworthy.  In a lifetime, you don't meet many people like that and I'm blessed to have her as a close personal friend. 

Arizona was fun, we went to quite a few parties and I was able to meet all her friends from home, which by the way are all so very nice.  We went hiking on an Arizona mountain (Arizona Mt. because compared to a Washington Mt. its a foothill), and we went to the Grand Canyon.  We took so many pictures its rediculous.  Maybe when I have some more time I'll post a few. 

It's sort of a bummer that Christa is leaving after this year.  We have only had one year together, but I feel that our friendship is strong and will certainly last a life time.  I know haven't really discussed this in my journal for quite sometime, but she has been thinking about it for quite a while and just recently told me.  She won't be in Washington for our next academic year.  Though, she isn't the only one who is making some changes.  I'm on the brink of deciding whether I want to continue playing soccer for the next three years.  I'm finally really coming to terms with myself and I understand and know that, yes I do indeed love soccer, but I just don't have the same passion for the game and I haven't for a long time.  Soccer has taught me many things and it has forced me to grow up in some ways I didn't want to be ready for.  I'm done lying to myself now though, if I'm not enjoying soccer like I should, I shouldn't be doing it, at least not at this level.  If I'm being completely honest with myself though, I don't want to do it at any level, at least for a while. 

I have a little something else in mind that I've found a passion for.  I really like Taekwondo and I really would like to get into it.  Though I'm not sure at first I'll make it competitive.  I'm done being competitive for a little while.  I can't ignore my competitive side forever lol.  There is also something else I want to get into.  I love writing and I really would like to try and join our school news staff or at least try.  Writing news is a part of writing that isn't my best skill and I would really like to improve it. 

Another change I have in mind is I'm just going to finish at SPU for one more year.  It is much to expensive to stay here for four years.  I don't know what other colleges I'm thinking of yet, but I still have to look into that and now isn't the time anyways.  All I know is I need to find a Christian college cause I still want to major in Christian Theology.  I figure the next year I have at SPU I will try to get most of my philosophy minor out of the way cause I really enjoy the professors at this school.  They are excellent professors.  I plan on summer school every summer so getting my generals out of the way should be pretty easy and then its just up to me finding the right school that will fit me and fit what I need and want.  I figure if I can't find a school for what I need, I can always major in philosophy.  I've also been thinking about law.  I've always dreamed of going to The University of Bosten Law School.  It has the program that I would be interested in and its in an area that I want to live in.  SO yeah..lifes looking really good for me!  I still haven't told my parents about my plans yet, but I think they will be pretty good about it.  They've been telling me I should quit for years.  But I don't really see it as quitting, I see it as taking a step in the direction that I want to go, a step in the direction I should have taken a long time ago.  I love soccer, but I can't let it be first in my life, God has to be first in my life and thats just not how its been.  It is definitely time for a change. 

Arr, Estoy enfermo de nuevo.  Es tan molesto, porque es la tercera vez este trimestre.  Además, me tirado un músculo y no puedo jugar al futbol y taekwondo.  Aunque, hoy tengo una prueba de cinturón amarillo.  Debo hacer bien, pero nunca se sabe.  He practado realamente dificil.  Mi cumpleanos fue muy divertido.  Mi mejor amiga Christa, ella dio un sostén para mí.  Y es naranja, mi color favorito.  Yo debería ponerse en marcha ahora.  Espero que todos tengan un buen día!! 

Dobby

Eek!! So today is my birthday and my two really good friends both wrote me a poem and got me lots of pretties!!  But I just wanted to post the poem they wrote so that it can last forever and ever and ever!! and then my bestest friend wrote me all my nicknames too :P Eek!!



Mallorie's Nicknames According to Christa:

 1) Katara
2) Dobby
3) Christa's Bitch
4) Skank
5) Pig Nugget
6) Paper Cutter
7) Lime Sucker
8) Ice Chewer
9) Gold Earing Wearer
10) Perfume Name Stealer
11) Christa's Rapist and Killer
12) Nap Bum
13) Kaleb, Daniel, and Kitaya lover

Arr!! I love my friends :D

Mi examin de espanol...

So, I've decided to post my second chapter of Clockwork today, I figure it's been quite some time since I posted the first chapter; so it's only fair that I post the second one as well :-D Jess this is for you damn it so please read it! *loves on you*

On another note, life is doing good, since my last post. Really good in fact. Maybe someday I'll post an entry with some goodies for all to see, but for now, I'm just going to keep it to myself until something else comes along :-)

I'm so upset...I want to cry right now!!!  I'm sick again!!!  This is about my third time this quarter of being sick!!  I can't take this anymore.  I missed my math class again this quarter, it's the third time!!  I hate missing class but I fell asleep and woke up to late, I even slept past my alarm!  And then my last two quizzes in Spanish I've don't crap on because I've been so busy and gotten sick all the time. 

And now I'm sitting in my room wanting to cry but can't and pissed.  My roommate has gotten sick everytime with me, she gave it to me this time and everytime she doesn't even have family here, but some one is around to comfort her.  I'm always alone every time I'm sick!!  I hate being alone.  It's wierd the idea of being alone when you live with someone.  I have another quiz in spanish on friday and I need to study, but I'm sick again and tired again please someone just kill me. 

Stressing doesn't do anything and if I don't ever do good in school it really isn't a big deal.  I'm not planning on going into more schooling after I graduate.  I work hard, its just extra hard for me and then I go and make it even harder on myself.  I hate that I'm not naturally good at school.  I work myself to the bone though..whatever...

I want to cry...

"Who am I?" This is the question that was posed to us in my Christian Formation class today.  It really hit me.  As I sat listening to him tell us to think, I actually did what he said, I thought.  Why do I do the things that I do?  Is it because I enjoy them?  Why?  Asking yourself why is of utmost importance.  It not only makes you think but it helps you develop your ideas for yourself and not let others influence you into something that if only you knew what was going on you wouldn't normally do.  I would post what I'm thinking right now, but I learned something in this class today.  I only truly trust one person in my life, I have one councilor.  And realizing that I have a councilor in my life really makes me happy, but at the same time, I wonder if it would not be good to have multiple councilors in my life? 

Thinking on my past, I realize that I tend to ping certain ideas and motivations that I have off of other people to see how they respond.  I like to know what others think of what I'm doing, but I don't want a closed off opinion.  I want an open mind that can explore the possibilities with me.  I have found one such person, I've had them my whole life there, able and willing to let me ping my thoughts and deepest desires and aspirations off of.  This person knows much about me and the way I think, but I realized this was only because I allowed this person such access into my life. 

I have tried granting this access to others before, but they either don't listen or don't want to listen.  At times certain others in my life will listen to what I have to say, but as our relationships are growing, certain things get in the way of our building trust and I can't let them in that far.  I have secrets that I won't tell anyone, just for fear of their response and the fact that I don't even know how I feel.  Being rejected is hard and it is something we all face on a daily basis. 

I realize that at the moment I seem to be just rambling so I will go no further on this, but to be honest with not only myself and to others, this is me just sharing another piece of myself...Well..that is if I decide not to put this entry on private as well...

Anyways, classes are going really well.  I love them.  Also in Christian Formation we were discussing what we are called for.  I believe I am called for language.  It is something I love, enjoy, have a passion for.  I thought that maybe I might have a calling for politics, but reflecting to myself, I don't think that I do.  I think that if I just decided to major in politics that it would be something I worked hard for, but not necessarily enjoyed.  Don't get me wrong, I love reading the newspaper and keeping up with international relations.  But for me, I have now realized, when I think of international relations, all I think of it talking to someone in their native tongue.  And when I think of talking to them I get so happy and excited!  I want to learn their language and I want to be able to talk to them. 

Something else that I am finding that I have a passion for is God.   I know that many people will find this weird, but maybe I have a calling to be a missionary for the Lord?  Where I could roam Gods earth spreading the news of Gods glory and salvation.  I believe this is something that I would really enjoy and not just enjoy, but it is something that I would love.  I would get to use language through God and be able to spread his joy and word throughout all the nations. 

Something I want to do in life is travel, but I don't want to travel without a purpose.  Being honest with myself, I hate going on vacation.  When I go somewhere new, I want to do something.  When I say do something, I don't mean just do something, I want to impact the world around me.  I want to change the lives of people and show them that there is something worth living for. 

To be honest, I have problems internally about letting myself like other people.  I am very judgmental and I'm not afraid anymore to admit it to myself.  It is something that I have to work on.  I have turned myself into this person because of certain instances in my life that hurt so deeply.  But I'm learning that there is another way I can respond to this hurt and pain that I would not let go of, that I could not let go of, because wouldn't let myself.  I'm learning that I can love people and they will love me back.  It is a constant struggle for me to accept others around me because where I grew up, people would never accept me as I was.  But I have to forgive and never forget.  I don't ever want to forget the hurt and pain that I put myself through just because I let hate and anger fill my life. 

I have a great testimony and I believe that God has called me to share it.  The end of my Senior year God told me to share my testimony to my old high school and I am ashamed to say that I was to scared.  I wouldn't do it.  But now I believe and I know that what God wants for me, isn't something I have ever planned out for myself, it isn't something that I have ever allowed myself to want.  He wants me to be his warrior.  Since I was about 12 or 13 years old I have always wanted to be a warrior.  I wanted to enlist in the army and I told my mom so when I was 14 years old.  She told me no, because she was scared for me, and I suppose I didn't want it enough or I would have pushed it.  When I was filling out applications for colleges I got a letter from the athletic director from the coast guard and I was talking to him on the phone behind my parents backs.  But in the end, it wasn't for me. 

All my life I have wanted to be some kind of warrior, and now I think that God has revealed to me just what kind of warrior he wants me to be.  I love my God and and I will learn and I will pray and I will make lots and lots of mistakes.  But I think that he is trying to lead my life in a different yet same direction that I have always yet not always thought about. 

Have a good day!

Love always,

Mallorie

So...Yeah....

Instructions: Go through your LJ history and copy the first sentence from the first post of each month.

January: This morning when I woke up, I decided that I was going to enjoy the better things in life, meaning I planned on drinking coffee.

February: I know, I know, I haven't updated in a millenium...but what counts is I'm doing it now, right?

March: Been busy lately so the update has taken me awhile.

April: I hope everyone has a good holiday.

May: Yes, yes, I do believe I am still alive.

June: So, you know how in movies, when people get hit by cars it looks really cool and it makes you want to know what it is like...

July: So, tonight is the first big night of the month.

August: I finally made it to seattle, made it past the soccer fitness test and I'm still alive.

September: I just got back from Cali, we played vs. Chico.

October: Hey, I know I have been gone for quite some time, but my first year of school has started and I've been really busy just trying to keep my head above water.

November: Since yesterday, my head has been completely out of it.

December: Guess where I am?  Alabama!!

Guess where I am?  Alabama!!  I'm so excited that my team has made it as far as nationals.  It is just crazy!  I'm sorta bored right now..my really good friend Jonathan is busy working tonight until midnight and I usually talk to him every night, but not tonight :P 

************************

Well, that was left over from last week.  I started writing and didn't finish..probably cause Jonathan came online :D  We be good friends.  Life is going pretty good, I'm in finals week.  Tonight I have to write two papers, shouldn't be so bad.  I'm sort of tired from the whole not sleeping thing last night.  I had to study though.  I had a presentation and 3 make-up quizzes today.  I was really really stressing about one of my classes, but I've found out I really can study for the class.  I also found out the midterm isn't really anything.  If I do better on this midterm then it replaces all my quiz scores and If I do really bad on it then I keep all of my quiz scores.  Either way is a win situation for me.  I think I'm going to do better in this class than I originally thought. 

I just wanted to talk a little bit tonight.  Jess got her new puppy!!  It is so cute.  It's completely black like the night sky, but with no stars; and it has a w small bit of white on its chest.  Matt and her named it Minny.  She truly is adorable.  And guess what!  Jess graduates in just 3 days!! Wish her luck on life if you know her and you are reading this!!  I'm so proud of her!  I love her so much! 

Alright I'm off to write my papers...Ta Ta! 

Dobby

Alright, I'm sitting in class and I have no idea what is going on.  It really is quite pathetic.  I fell behind last week in this class because I was trying to stay alive and ahead in another class.  So I haven't had any idea what has been happening in a week.  Meh, whatever.  Tonight I have to write a paper for this class. 

The paper is a comparison between the Matrix and Descartes Meditations.  It shouldn't be hard at all, I just have to catch up on 50 pages of reading that I missed.  Then after I finish the essay, I have to write an outline of what to do for my long paper in this class.  That is quite annoying.  I have to present it to my Professor in a meeting tomorrow...*rawr*

Oh!  I finally got to sign up for my classes this morning.  Next quarter I'm taking:

Tae Kwan Do
Intro to Politics
Elementary Spanish 2
UFound - Christian something or another

All in all 17 credits.  I'm so excited to take Tae Kwan Do.  Its going to be awesome!  I love doing activities.  And it is going to be good for me because we aren't going to be in season anymore.  We are just going to be doing weight training in the morning and running so Tae Kwan Do is going to fit into my schedule very nicely :D!! 

Some people on my team are taking a scuba diving class.  I personally think they are nuts.  I mean come on!  It is going to be rainy, snowing, foggy, FREEZING! and did I mention snowing.  Hello they are crazy.  They are going to be going into the Puget Sound in the dead of winter.  Brr!  I think scuba diving sounds nice, just maybe something to do in the spring. 

Tonight there is a self defense class going on in the lower gym, I am so going.  Anything to help teach me some sweet awesome ninja moves I'm up for :P. 

PHIL

1.   "God" means - a certain substance, infinite, supremely intelligent and powerful - creator, does not rely on the universe to exist. 
2.   "idea" of God exists in his mind
3.   "Ideas" = mental entities.  They have objective - reality. 
4.   Mind - objects or "causes" have "formal" reality.

Practice is at 5:30 tonight.  I think I might take a nap until that time.  I don't know.  I'm pretty tired, but maybe I should read.  But reading and understanding philosophy is going to be tough on a tired brain.  I think I might just nap and get to it after practice and Self Defense class tonight...  I'm sure I'll be tired then too...but whatever.  Tonight I think I'll take my book to the coffee shop up on Queen Anne and get my work done up there.  I mean, that might be a little late...but...maybe I will just start now...*sigh* 

Things I need to Accomplish and soon:

1.   Write Essay on Abortion
2.   Write essay on Gutherie
3.   Read Descartes
4.   Read Aquinas
5.   Write outline on Gutherie
6.   Write outline on mingst
7.   Write outline on Mingst and Snyder
8.   Study discussion questions of Mingst and Mingst and Snyder
9.   Write essay on Matrix/meditations

I can't believe my first quarter of college is almost over.  It has gone by so fast.  I've been stressing a lot lately, but I've come to the decision that I am no longer going to stress because it doesn't help me, it hinders me.  So, I'm just trying to keep it cool and relax.  I feel better that way and my grades seem to like that idea a lot better.

This weekend was really fun.  On Friday Christa and I went to the theater in downtown Seattle and saw American Gangster.  I thought it was good.  I even saw one of my professors there and I was able to meet his wife.  He bumped into me earlier this week and told me he was really glad I came up to him and said hi and he told me that his wife really liked me.  It was sweet. 

On Saturday we had our first play off game and won 3-0.  The team played really well, but I only played 8 minutes.  It sucked, but hey, thats what being a freshman does to you.  What was really cool though, was that my three guy friends came to watch the game cause I asked them to!!  They are so awesome!  This was the third game they came to all season.  So Christa and I were able to hang out with them all afternoon and evening with them.  It was fun and really funny.  We decided to watch a movie and so Christa lay down on her bed and Ian and Darryl both jumped on her and smothered her for an hour and a half (aka the movie)  I was on my bed and trapped because Donavan is a poopy head :D  He wouldn't let me get away..I'm not even going to get into how we both ended up on my top bunk bed :D  Nothing bad though, no worries. 

On Sunday Christa and I met up with Donavan, Ian, and Darryl and went paintballing with all of Donavans Eaglescout friends.  I didn't expect that we were going to be doing it all day, but even though we did, it was really fun!  I only actually hit someone once, but whatever.  :P 

On Monday Christa and I didn't really do much, we hung out at my house for most of the day doing nothing and then made it back to Seattle in time for practice.  Then later that night we rented two movies, disturbia and Matrix.  Disturbia is SO good!  I did not really know what to expect, but it was really really really good. 

Ok, well, I have 20 minutes left in class I think I'm going to get going.  Have a good day guys!!!

Love always,

Dobby

Since yesterday, my head has been completely out of it.  I don't want to be in school today!! *whines*  I wasn't even going to study yesterday cause I was just so excited for the weekend, but I ended up studying anyways.  I'm excited for the weekend because it is a  5 day weekend!!! Smashing isn't it? :D 

This long of a break is much needed.  I've been studying non stop and I'm just excited to sit back for a few days and laze about and  hang out with my friends!  The guys and Christa and I are all going camping and paintballing.  And on Saturday my team has our first game of regionals.  I'm just so excited for classes to be over today!!  I'm sitting in class right now and I just can't concentrate on anything...my stomache is tingling and my heart beat is rapidly beating and I'm ready to go run and escape sitting here.  I'm not sure how much longer I can sit!  I still have 20 min left of this class, then I'm on to the next.  The next should be a little more entertaining because I have a quiz.  So it will be more interactive. 

Ok, gonna go!  love ya guys!! OH and I'm doing much much better ;) 

Later gaterz!